he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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