I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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