if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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