You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
