I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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