last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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