Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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