The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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