based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
