sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
