DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
