I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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