I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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