i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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