The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I FOUND THE LEGS
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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