Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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