it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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