I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
