does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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