A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
