Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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