Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
