I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
