Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
