I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
