There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
