Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
