OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
