when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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