you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
