all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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