Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
