Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
