you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
