I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
