How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
