Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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