I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So many bounce houses so little time
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
