is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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