i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
