i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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