youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
