Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
