just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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