I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
