ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
