the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
