party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
