My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
