and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
