you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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