I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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