me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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